Day 1

I woke up the same way I have been waking up for the last few days - with sad music playing in my head, as if the night had never begun or perhaps, had never ended.

You - You look awful.
I - Gee, thanks for a wonderful morning wish, AB!

You rolled across the bed and took me into your hug.
And the sad music turned into a soft, enchanting tune, just like that.

Too bad this is the daydream I had. Because everything apart from the music in my head never happened.
You were never there...

It easy to feel sad with music.
When you are sad yourself, every song seems to either put words to your feelings, remind you of the good times that were or could have been, or simply mock your life with ‘You never did, never will you ever have this!’

Honestly, I thought I asked for only the simplest things in life from you. That I was always so upfront about it, only made me believe how communication was something our relationship would thrive upon.

I was wrong, ain’t I, AB?

I - Please tell me a story.
You - No.

I - Let’s go for a walk.
You - No.

I - Let’s play a game wherein you pick a chit out of the love box that you had gifted me a long, long time ago. You will have to then do whatever the chit says, okay.
You - Sure, only to never stick to the said commitment and then bring down he’ll upon you for reminding me how I did not fulfil my promises.

I - I don’t want to work with you. I want to help you, but working together...It is costing us our relationship.
You - Okay. Don’t come to office, if you cannot even appreciate the opportunities you get for free in life, that others struggle for all their life.

I - I want to publish a book.
You - Sure, it will only cost 2.5 lacs, which I will be at the liberty to throw in your face in order to hurt you, later.

I - I am leaving you.
You - I am hurt by you saying this again & again. Wait till my father’s big celebration is over. I will bring this to everyone’s notice thereafter. Just keep pretending that everything is fine till then.


I started writing about this day as I have been struggling with keeping my mind in the present as opposed to being with the imaginary AB I believed I had married.
I keep talking to you about everything that is going on, only in my head. You are really comforting to be with, here. You seem just like the guy I always saw in you, the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Strangely, I miss him. It is strange because that guy was never there.
Why can, then, I not let go off him?
Why can I not accept life as it is?
Why can I not learn to be happy with what everything seeks happiness in?
Why do I still want the little things?

Maybe, only time will tell.

As of now, Day 1 has been just like it should have been - the earth hasn’t stopped moving, even though my world is falling apart.

What hurts, still, is the sound of your ‘I couldn’t care less’ voice.
Maybe this is it, finally.

Maybe we are through for real.

Maybe this is the beginning of our goodbye...